Chinese men looking West
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Fishbowl Events, a Beijing group run by foreigners and known for its speed-dating parties, has observed a marked increase in male Chinese participants in the past few years.
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| Tristin Tang and Christina Gabe with sons Aidan (from left), Bowen and Landan. |
"In 2007, we had about 20 percent Chinese men," says Ola Zdzarska, co-owner of Fishbowl. "Now it is 40 percent.
"Some of them are really focused on foreign girls. When I see (evaluation) cards after the speed dating, I see they don't take Chinese girls seriously, because they just want to date foreign girls."
Tristin Tang, 35, never imagined dating a Westerner, much less marrying one. He was intent on completing his doctorate in pharmacology when he met the niece of his American language partner during a vacation to his home province of Sichuan, in 2005.
Five years later, he and Christina Gabe of Denver, Colorado, are married and raising three boys in Beijing.
Tang and Gabe, who say people often mistake them for an American tourist and her guide, display the comfort of being both lovers and friends.
"We are similar in a lot of ways," says Gabe, 33, a former US Peace Corps volunteer and now a high school English teacher. "We both have a very dry sense of humor We're both interested in science, like biology was my major."
Tang pipes in: "We also both like outdoor activities," such as biking, camping, hiking and playing soccer.
The couple says bridging cultural differences remains a challenge - such as how much clothing on a child is too much, and how to treat a cold - but this has made them more vigilant about communicating effectively.
"Knowing that we have two separate languages has sort of forced us and also made us communicate more, whereas if couples (speak) the same language, they just assume that things are understood," Gabe says. "In some ways, I think this has been a benefit."
The husband and wife are on the right track, based on the factors that psychologists say make a successful marriage.
"Every relationship is about curiosity and communication and openness to learn and a willingness to accept," says Dr Alfred Chambers, a relationship-counseling specialist at Beijing United Family Hospital and Clinics.
"But when there's different cultures, there's just more things to learn and so we need more curiosity and acceptance and patience," he says, stressing it is a life-long process.
Before a couple marries, Chambers says it is important to discuss crucial topics such as: roles and basic assumptions regarding parenting, money, sex and family, including in-laws.
Traditional roles and expectations are two reasons why there are fewer unions between Chinese men and Western women.
"A Western woman will not fit the traditional role of a Chinese wife," which includes being obedient to her husband and in-laws to give them face, says Chambers, who has worked in Taiwan and the mainland for a decade.
"Traditionally, a Chinese man will want a woman who is more submissive and listens and sort of follows her duties - whether it's cooking or sex," the clinical psychologist says. "Western women will be more open, aggressive, assertive sexually."
Men like Li Lei and Tony may be different in their dating outlook, but in other ways they are just your average Chinese guys.
Both are quite shy making new acquaintances. They have parents who would still prefer a Chinese daughter-in-law because of the language and culture gap.
And at the end of the day, each man just wants to find the woman who's right for him.
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