72-year-old gay man recalls life of suppressed feelings
- By Chen Xia
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E-mail China.org.cn, July 8, 2015
Like many other gay men in China, 72-year-old Qu Bizhi, who lives in the southern Chinese city of Guangzhou has kept a low profile throughout his life. He had a wife, whom he married under heavy social pressure, but the two might as well be strangers even though they lived under one roof for 30 years.
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Qu Bizhi, a 72-year-old gay man reflects on his 30-year sham marriage and search for love and a home. |
Qu found he was attracted to the same sex as early as his childhood. While all the other boys gathered together to talk about girls, he preferred to sit in the corner looking at the handsome men.
In his early teens, Qu couldn't deny his feelings any longer. He began to go to a local park, well-known for being a gathering place for gay men. He would sit on a bench quietly to watch every man passing by and introduce himself recklessly to those who were his type.
He found he liked handsome, mature, bearded men. When he succeeded in starting a conversation, he would sit down next to the man, lean his head on the other man's shoulder, and listened attentively to whatever he talked about.
Qu married in 1984 when he turned 41. He met his wife, who was 12 years younger, at a blind date his friend set up for him. "I didn't feel a thing towards her," Qu said, but he married her nonetheless. On the wedding night, he refused to touch his bride.
Three months later, his wife wanted a divorce. It was no surprise to Qu. Actually, he felt quite relieved. "Marrying her was the biggest mistake I made in my life," he said. But the divorce proceedings were delayed because of a public holiday, and when they restarted the talks, his wife said that she would leave only on condition that Qu gave her an apartment. It was beyond Qu's financial ability, so the divorce proceedings were shelved, and the two were forced to live under one roof during the following three decades.
The apartment Qu and his wife shared covered 32 square meters, and had a living room and a bedroom. Qu spent all his time in the living room. He never entered his wife's room. The two didn't talk to each other for years. Qu even didn't know if she had a TV set in her room. They lived on their pensions separately. The only contribution Qu made to his wife was to pay for all the bills for water and electricity.
Qu's parents died early, so he had no family. "I nearly forget what it was like in a family," he said. The only time he felt he was loved was over 50 years ago, but sadly, as time passed, he forgot the man's name.
It was when Qu was 16 years old, and the man was in his 30s. He was tall and handsome with a long straight nose and an athletic build. The two met on the street and fell in love quickly.
The man often gave Qu candies from Hong Kong as gifts, and Qu enjoyed their talks about life and the world. However, they only spent about six months together, after which the man told Qu that they had to separate because he was going to move to Macao with his family.
The night before the man left, Qu stayed with him until midnight. He felt there were so many things that he hadn't yet told him, but the clock just ticked away. Qu could still remember that on a bridge, the man took off his coat and wrapped it around him, while he closed his eyes and leant on the man's shoulder.
After that man, Qu did not have any serious relationships for a long time.
In 1974, when Qu worked on a forest farm, he met a handsome young man nicknamed Aming. Qu fell in love with him. He liked to hang out with Aming. When Aming felt tired after work, Qu would make all kinds of delicious foods for him. However, Qu could tell that Aming was straight, so he hid his feelings carefully and pretended to be a kind, caring big brother. Even when they shared a bed, Qu didn't dare to do anything that might startle Aming.
With nowhere to vent his frustration, Qu used to run into the mountains near the farm to shout and sing songs about love until tears poured down his cheeks.
But now, Qu has calmed down as he is in the evening of life. He has no sexual desires anymore. The only thing that makes him happy every day is to go to the park after lunch to look at the handsome young men.
The only thing Qu is worried about was his funeral because he has no partner or family to arrange it after he dies, but he has a friend called Simon he thinks he can rely on.
Simon is in his 40s. He is married and has a daughter. Qu met him in 2002 and the two got along quite well. Simon's family knew Qu, but they didn't know about their relationship and treated him as an old uncle. Two years ago, when Simon moved apartment, Qu gave him a TV set and a refrigerator out of gratitude worth about 20,000 yuan (US$3,224) as gifts.
At every festival, Qu goes to Simon's apartment, and Simon is the only person who visits him. Sometimes, Simon will bring him daily necessities and sometimes even small gifts. All these gifts warm Qu's heart.
Every night, Qu stays at home watching a Hong Kong soap opera called "Come Home Love," which has nearly 800 episodes after it was first aired in 2012. Qu has been watching it from the very beginning and has hardly missed an episode, but when he turns off the TV, he doesn't know where he can find his love and home.
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