Not being a Tiger Mother doesn't mean not guiding your kids
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Amy Chua forced her daughters to learn violin and piano and to practice three hours a day. My father decided that I would learn a musical instrument but let me choose which one, after listening to concerts with me and making suggestions. I chose piano, and studied it for eight years, up to four hours a day, not imposed but because I understood intensive practice was necessary to progress.
When my children were in primary school, I obliged them to choose one extra-curriculum activity in sport (baseball, football, swimming) and one in art (folk dance, drawing, music). A rule was set: you finish the session you start. If you like it, you can continue; if not, you can change. I would tolerate no abandonment. My son chose gardening once, and regretted it half-way. To encourage him to continue to the end, I offered to buy the vegetables he would bring home and paid him the market price.
I don't agree with Amy Chua when she says that "children on their own never want to work, which is why it is crucial in the decision to override their preferences." If children do what they have chosen, if they like what they do and are guided by caring parents, they will sustain their efforts to succeed.
Amy Chua didn't allow her daughters to not be the No. 1 students in every subject (except gym and drama). It's true that Sophia Chua recently debuted at Carnegie Hall as a concert pianist. Tiger Mom's view on happiness is that if her daughters are successful, they will be happy; and that the strict education she gives the girls will provide them with the tools to be happy. However, this can be true only if she succeeded in transplanting the idea in her daughters' minds that "success equals happiness".
Chua never questioned the fact her own parents thought an A- was not good enough. She explained that what Chinese parents convey to their child is not "You must get A, otherwise I won't like you," but on contrary, "I believe in you so much, I know that you can be excellent." Believing in a child's capacity is a good point. But if all children theoretically do their best, not all can be the top-ranked performer.
I have been a high school teacher for 28 years in Canada. Following an event which demonstrated the importance for a student to feel he/she is loved, I revaluated my relationship with each of my 120 students, and found at least one chance to tell each one, or to write positive words on their assignments such as "I like you because…", "I truly appreciate when you…". But I never ask low performers to do more than they are capable of. Instead, I take the philosophy that "If you really can't do better, it is ok; if you can, I believe you will!" Not everyone needs to be the first in the class or have the highest marks. The most important thing is to "be the best you can be."
The author is a freelance writer based in Beijing.
Opinion articles reflect the views of their authors, not necessarily those of China.org.cn.
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