四、 戒主语暗淡
主语是句子的灵魂, 定住译文的主语是关键的一步棋。主语定偏了,整个句子将显得松散乏力,甚至会误导读者。
如果这个问题不解决,势必影响两国的利益。
Failure to settle this issue is bound to impair the relations between the two countries seriously.
If the problem is not solved, it is sure to affect the interests between the two countries.
在上面的两种译文中,显然第一种译文主语选得好,句子流畅。
共同的利益把我们两个伟大的国家连接在一起。
What holds our two great nations together is the cement of common interests.
此句主语部分处理得颇为干练。
操吴戈兮披犀甲,车错毂兮短兵接。
We grasp huge shields, clad in Rhinoceros Hide; the Chariots clash, the Daggers gashing wide.(杨宪益译《屈原·国殇》)
屈原一开篇就“操吴戈兮披犀甲,车错毂兮短兵接”,显然需要补充应有的主语。在《国殇》诗中,后面还有“身既死兮神以灵,子魂魄兮为鬼雄”的句子,可见屈原是以“局外人”的视角来写为国捐躯的将士的,而非把自己混为军中一员。译文中的主语应改为“They”较妥。
厨房里少了一条鱼,主人发誓要一查到底,揪出偷鱼的贼。
Finding a fish in kitchen was lost, the host swore to find out the thief who stole the fish.
尽管汉语中似乎有“厨房”“主人”两个主语,译者果断地选定了the host作主语。打点清晰,增强了句子的内聚力。
夏威夷的沙滩上,椰影婆娑,海风习习,一妙龄女郎正躺在白色的塑料椅上养神。
On the Hawaiian sandy beach, the coconut palms are whirling, the congenial sea breeze is blowing, and a young lady is lying in the white plastics chair resting to restore energy.
因为是轻松读本,又是描述性的文字,使用三个主语the coconut palms、the congenial sea breeze、a young lady仍是可取的。
五、 戒结构单调,组合生硬“拉郎配”
由于汉英结构不同,表达方式迥异,“硬性翻译”不仅读起来别扭,而且会闹出笑话。这就要求译者在翻译时灵活使用整合的技巧,将句子整合,凸显汉语中所隐含的层次,补充所缺失的成分。有时要将简单句译成并列句,有时将并列句译成主从句。
在纪念大学毕业20周年聚会时,我忽然问起原来的班主任:“我个子又不矮,怎么把我安排在了第一排呢?”
At the reunion party for 20 anniversary of graduation from university, I suddenly asked my former teacher in charge of our class then, "Since I am not of short stature, how did you arrange me at the first row?"
一个高度近视的女博士去擦鞋店擦高统靴,秃头老板亲自蹲下来给她效劳。
When a woman doctor who suffers a severe myopic went to shoes-polishing shop for her buskins, the bald boss squatted down to serve her personally.
黑体字部分,正是契合了英语的表达习惯。
六、 戒“愚忠”,不谙增减之道
我们耳熟能详的东西外国人可能会感到一头雾水,译者需要增加必要的说明和补充或者减译。否则,外国人会不知所云。毕竟,汉译英最终是给外国人看的。
例如:风水
Fengshui —— the location of a house or tomb, supposed to have an influence on the fortune of a family.
会当凌绝顶,一览众山小。
One day I shall climb
Clear to the summit,
See how small surrounding
Mountain tops appear as they lie below me (新西兰人路易·艾黎译《杜甫·望岳》)
I can't open my eyes to watch you jumping into the fiery pit, for I will shut my eyes at the time.
我不会眼睁睁看着你往火坑里跳,到时候我会闭上的。
不要嫌我黑,两眼放光辉;不要嫌我瘦,一身好精肉。
Do not Cold-shoulder me for my swarthy(黝黑的) face, but I have a pair of bright piercing(敏锐的)eyes;
Do not Cold-shoulder me for my slight figure, but I’m lean and healthy.
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